Common Store.



Midnight

It’s passed midnight already.

Yet…it’s gonna be a sleepless night I guess.

Today,or yesterday,the viewers number has come to a new lowest point,simply become previously I alone was always contributing to the traffic by clicking on my post to do some extra editing job and lately I haven’t done much of that.Shame.

There’s a much bigger piece of news here,that is some of my old classmates are coming back from the US this week,which can be very nice but also bit stressful sometimes,they are doing a better job and keeping more confidence with them in the first place,which I lack so.People generally don’t live to compare,but I am just addicted and obsessed.Maybe just I am again afraid,that they will take away my “Pride”.When this occurs to me,I always give myself a little beat up and try to imagine some nice things we’d be sharing.After all,I’ve changed so much within this 4 months that they may get a little shocked,but,enough sympathy already,I have to say.

Today during the break I listened to Gilmoreboy’s podcast by Eric from Canada,who’s gay,24.The audio blog is basically about his personal thoughts and stuff,which sometimes gets me very relaxed or sometimes inspared.In the current episode he recalled his high school years which weren’t very pleasant.Of all the gay guys I’ve met or talked to,from time to time they all inplanted in their “essence” the self-image of a “loser” or negative thoughts of that sort,which is quite understandable to me since I think in that route of myself and might be gay,who knows.Why actually is it so hard to get a high self-esteem?Or,is it people who are gay tend to be inconfident or people who are inconfident “by nature” are more likely to be gay?That’s a tricky one,but I am more for the latter,regarding my own experience.Since I was brought up most of the time by my grandma and didn’t go out to play much,actually that was a quite feminine circumstance.I think it is during that period in which a boy ought to have built up “something” did I miss “something”,including self-esteem,or confidence,which lead to series of obstacles ahead like not being so sportive,easily getting nervous,shyness or even depression,or…homosexuality.

That’s something in my head for long.I think I need some Psychology courses to sort that out.

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